Release your Regrets
A pleasant good morning to each and everyone.
As I come to testify the goodness of God in my life, allow me to introduce myself.
Hi! I am Stephanie Esgana, 21 years of age, a servant leader in YX and a volunteer here in Ayala.
This is the very first time that I am going to share my personal past experiences in a crowded place and the courage that I carry in standing here for it was finished and surrendered at the cross.
The story that I am going to share is how LOVE came down and set me free from my regrets. While in the midst of preparation in this very day, me and God trailback to the days and years that I “regretted” and it was the time “if I was only honest enough to speak up on what I am going through, especially for my family instead of keeping it up and letting myself down for over the years maybe I would not experienced it of being a victim for years or maybe they would help me”.
When I was in my childhood days I was physically and sexually abused by the person(s) that is dear to my heart. It tainted a scar even to the point of seeing myself through the situation, it instilled fear, haunting nights leading to depression, and anxiety attacks towards trust in people. Those were the days that I shut myself off from telling them for I didn't even know at that time where to and how to, since knowing that I came from a broken family. And I felt that if I speak up maybe it was too insignificant for them and they can’t understand me. Then, instilled a mindset that “just leave it be '' for I don't want to break my family again.
But, I didn't know that over the years I carried that REGRET and it grew conclusions and questions to my heart, like “My family don’t care about me, they dont love me or even ask if I am okay”, “Do they know that I’m living like I was not that important”, and those conclusions turn into hurts and blaming the situation for why it happened and a series of what if’s to ask to my family. And I even ask God, “God why are you not doing something?” “Are you really there holding me?” “Why am I not getting out of this for so long”.
When the year 2016 came, it was the year of releasing, first there was a day that I literally burst up of my emotions and I even tried to hurt myself in front of my mom and even yell at her in telling the truth before, but such a turn of events how my mom responded and I heard the calming words from her and told me “I understand you, but more of it if you don’t release it you will not see the more of life and move forward”, and it just sounded comfort and love. And later on in summer 2016, it was CROSSOVER weekend, God stripped me off every weight that hinders me in going before Him and one of which was my regrets that I have been holding for so long, while God is longing for me to surrender it for in releasing there resurrection happened through His son Christ Jesus. With that, as I come to fall in the ground I’ve come to encounter the Father’s love and how God wants every root of my regret and still sees the good of it. More than all about myself, He compels me to release love, trust, and forgiveness to those people of what I have received from Him, not by my own but because of Jesus.
There are things in the past that I cannot change, but knowing that I have a God who holds me in the palm of His hands, all things work together for good. Yes, it was one of the dark experiences that I thought should be rid of, but now it is one of my testimony I will bring forth for His glory. In that regret I’ve come to see the perspective of God on how He is sovereign. It was grace that carried me here through Jesus where I am now living a life that is free from the chains of regret.
As I end, last Sunday as Ptr Jr preached in two services, there was a series of questions that he spoke forth, like “God when I was 8 years old, were you really there when I was abused”, “Are you crying over me?”, and as I come to ponder it was not anymore hurts but joy because of the cross, and to answer those questions, Yes He is there for He is our father and He takes no pleasure seeing His child like that, but even when we experience it He is able to lift us up and put a joy into our hearts as we keep on.
In Romans 8:18
I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
Once again, I am Stephanie Esgana, a living testament from death to life.
Thank you Lord and a blessed sunday to each and everyone.
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